Mommy Freaking Madness
There's been a rash of books and articles (Newsweek, Salon) lately on how "intensive parenting" is driving women off the deep end, ruining marriages and creating spoiled kids. I have a few thoughts as an anxiety-ridden working mother in a major metropolitan area.
(1) National Daycare Standard. We need a national standard for daycare and we definitely need affordable part-time daycare, which doesn't currently exist. Daycare providers, a center or a home provider, ulitimately need to make money. They make more money on full-time care than on part-time, it's that simple.
(2) Sometimes you just need grandma. I want to live closer to my extended family. Daycare is great, but sometimes you just need grandma. Unfortunately, our jobs are here and mom is there. Having a backup daycare option is wonderful, but when your child is sick, and one of you can't be there yourself, you don't want to send your child to someone she doesn't know.
(3) The Family Bed/Attachment Parenting. Letting your child sleep with you is sometimes about getting some sleep yourself -- even if it means being nailed in the nose by toddler feet -- instead of being a political statement about attachment parenting. There is a happy medium between "Ferberizing" and Attachment Parenting. When my daughter was about 10 months old I came to the conclusion that I'd rather sleep with her in my bed then either let her "cry it out" or continue to rock/pace/soothe at 3am for nearly an hour nearly every night. I can't sleep if she's "crying it out." The Ferber method doesn't work for everyone, nothing does.
(4) Society trying to push women around is nothing new. Read getupgrrl's "And The Soup Of The Day Is: It's All Your Fault!" rant. The question is, what's the motivation behind the push for "intensive parenting" today?
(5) Many fathers under 35 are equal partners in the home. In many of the families I know of my own generation (born in the 1970s) fathers are equal partners in child rearing and household duties. There are still ego-centric little boys who want to be married to June Cleaver, but they're becoming a rare find in someone under 35.
I just finished reading The Mommy Myth by Susan Douglas and Meredith Michaels and I am hearing the battle cry of "No More!" I do remember my parents being more relaxed. I remember watching TV most evenings. I remember watching TV many an afternoon. And wouldn't you know it, I turned out OK. I love to read, got good grades in school, managed to avoid making really stupid decisions and generally have a nice life.
Last thoughts. There's a moment that struck me more than all of these articles and books and, believe it or not, it's from TV. When character Lynette on "Desperate Housewives" hits bottom after downing her kid's Ritalin meds, she ends up alone on an abandoned soccer field (what better place for a down-and-out soccer mom?). Two of the other female characters track her down and Lynette says that it's over, she can't do the Mom Thing anymore. She's terrible at it, she says. The other two chime in with how often they've felt the same way and it makes Lynette realize that she's not alone. She doesn't have to be Super Mom. We should tell each other these types of stories and talk to each other more as women-who-are-also-mothers. I love my daughter, but my name is not "Lauren's Mom." We all feel like we're effing things up 90% of the time.
(1) National Daycare Standard. We need a national standard for daycare and we definitely need affordable part-time daycare, which doesn't currently exist. Daycare providers, a center or a home provider, ulitimately need to make money. They make more money on full-time care than on part-time, it's that simple.
(2) Sometimes you just need grandma. I want to live closer to my extended family. Daycare is great, but sometimes you just need grandma. Unfortunately, our jobs are here and mom is there. Having a backup daycare option is wonderful, but when your child is sick, and one of you can't be there yourself, you don't want to send your child to someone she doesn't know.
(3) The Family Bed/Attachment Parenting. Letting your child sleep with you is sometimes about getting some sleep yourself -- even if it means being nailed in the nose by toddler feet -- instead of being a political statement about attachment parenting. There is a happy medium between "Ferberizing" and Attachment Parenting. When my daughter was about 10 months old I came to the conclusion that I'd rather sleep with her in my bed then either let her "cry it out" or continue to rock/pace/soothe at 3am for nearly an hour nearly every night. I can't sleep if she's "crying it out." The Ferber method doesn't work for everyone, nothing does.
(4) Society trying to push women around is nothing new. Read getupgrrl's "And The Soup Of The Day Is: It's All Your Fault!" rant. The question is, what's the motivation behind the push for "intensive parenting" today?
(5) Many fathers under 35 are equal partners in the home. In many of the families I know of my own generation (born in the 1970s) fathers are equal partners in child rearing and household duties. There are still ego-centric little boys who want to be married to June Cleaver, but they're becoming a rare find in someone under 35.
I just finished reading The Mommy Myth by Susan Douglas and Meredith Michaels and I am hearing the battle cry of "No More!" I do remember my parents being more relaxed. I remember watching TV most evenings. I remember watching TV many an afternoon. And wouldn't you know it, I turned out OK. I love to read, got good grades in school, managed to avoid making really stupid decisions and generally have a nice life.
Last thoughts. There's a moment that struck me more than all of these articles and books and, believe it or not, it's from TV. When character Lynette on "Desperate Housewives" hits bottom after downing her kid's Ritalin meds, she ends up alone on an abandoned soccer field (what better place for a down-and-out soccer mom?). Two of the other female characters track her down and Lynette says that it's over, she can't do the Mom Thing anymore. She's terrible at it, she says. The other two chime in with how often they've felt the same way and it makes Lynette realize that she's not alone. She doesn't have to be Super Mom. We should tell each other these types of stories and talk to each other more as women-who-are-also-mothers. I love my daughter, but my name is not "Lauren's Mom." We all feel like we're effing things up 90% of the time.
posted by Lisa at 5:12 PM
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